Wade Wilson hated cows. Their eyes were wrong, looking into them was like looking through them. What were the waiting for? He was convinced they were biding their time and waiting to overthrow humanity so they could turn everyone into slaves. Shifty eyes, crazy eyes. So many eyes staring back at him. No escape. Why wasn't there a door?
This had to be a nightmare. He blinked. Once, twice, three times, but no, the cows were still there. At least twenty of them, maybe more, surrounding him and... they were doing nothing. "What are you cows waiting for!?" He brought his hands up to drag across his face, sliding them down his cheeks in frustration.
And that's when the mooing started. One sound was all it took and the others followed suit, breaking into the song of the bovine people, and it was enough to make Wade wish he could die. If he had a gun, he would have blown his brains out just to temporarily relieve himself from the noise. "I don't speak cow, you morons. If you're telling me all about how you're going to take over the world, I have you all figured out."
His hand immediately went to his back, reaching for his katanas. He would teach these loathsome creatures a lesson. Much to his surprise, the weapons weren't there. He began to pat himself down, becoming more frantic as he realized that all of his weapons were gone. Even the teleportation device usually on his person wasn't there. He was Deadpool, though. Deadpool didn't need weapons. He had other means of fighting. He would take out every single one of these cows if it meant getting out of here.
But do we have to touch them? They're gross.
So focused on the danger around him, he hadn't noticed a slip of paper on the floor next to him. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted it and picked it up. "A clue?" He unfolded it and read a hastily scribbled note meant for him.
One of these cows has your way out of here, but which one? If you kill any of them, the room will explode, and you will be trapped in here forever.
He groaned loudly. This was not at all how he'd pictured his morning going. "This is the wooooooorst. The worst."
His eyes shifted from left to right, making eye contact with any of the cows looking at him. When one mooed, he jumped, shuddering as he turned his attention away. Looking at them was bad enough. Moving closer and actually touching them to find whatever was supposed to get him out of here? It made him feel like a scared kid again, surrounded by the monsters that lurked underneath his bed.
It was the only way to get out of here. He knew that this was a game, a test. Others had been taken and put through similarly trying situations. What made it worse was that he knew who had done it, and boy was he going to strangle that speedster the next time he saw him. That desire to kill one Pietro Maximoff was enough to push him into the mass of cows. "Hey, stupid cows, just let me take a look at you." He cringed each time he reached forward and touched one and when their beady lifeless eyes made contact with his. This was hell, he was sure of it. When he ultimately embraced Death, he would not be lucky enough to be with her – no, he would end up in hell with these assholes and still be unable to kill them.
One by one, he inspected them all, running hands over every inch and orifice he could find in hopes whatever he sought was easily accessible. Not much got to Wade Wilson, but having his hands covered in cow slobber was one of the few things. The mooing had only gotten worse now that he was violating them. The last cow he inspected had a word shaved into its coat: Wade. That told him whatever he wanted was on or in this cow.
"Okay, Cow. What do you have for me?" Moo. He groaned again. This would have been so much less horrible if he could have just slaughtered these stupid creatures to get what he needed. "Where is it?" Moo. There was nothing outright visible on close inspection of the exterior of the cow. He opened its mouth. Nothing. Checked the ears. Nothing. How was he supposed to get it without killing it? When he realized his only other option, his eyes widened in horror.
Two hours later, he was still scrubbing his hands trying to get rid of the smell.