i, jack, take thee, roxy.

Would you ever have thought we'd find ourselves here? When I first met you, I thought you were awesome, but I didn't think for a second you'd ever think of me in a romantic way. Hell, I never expected feelings to develop at all. Life has a way of surprising you, right? It, uh, finds a way, so to speak. Leave it to me to fall head over heels in love with you. Hard and quick -- that's what she said, probably.

Saying you're the yin to my yang really isn't accurate because we're not so much opposite sides of the same coin as we are pieces of a puzzle fitting together. I never put much notion into the idea of soulmates, but that all changed because of you. You're my partner in crime -- (whispers) literally -- and definitely my soulmate. To me, you are perfect. You complete me. I could go on with the cliche movie quotes, but I think our guests have been through enough with the whole surprise nuptials and all.

You are the first person I want to see when I wake up and the last before bed. I look forward to every moment with you, even the little ones that we probably won't remember in twenty years.

It's the little things, things that you don't even pay attention to, like the gleam in your eyes when you see an animal or that way you crinkle your eyebrows when you're putting on your makeup before we go out, that keep me falling in love with you. I love how your kindness is equally matched by your passion. I love your ferocity and refusal to take crap from anyone, even me. I promise to do everything I can to make sure you don't lose that.

I will always strive to make you laugh when you're down. Count on me to send you every Nigel Thornberry or Nicholas Cage meme I find or the latest adorable animal picture I see on Reddit. Our freezer will always be stocked with ice cream, and our fridge with wine.

I promise you a new pet on every anniversary, breakfast in bed whenever possible, and to never give up on date nights.

I know how much you want to become a mother. Probably more than I want to become a father. One way or another, I will give that to you. Adopted or natural, you will have the army of children that furthers our quest for world domination. I will never leave you of my own accord, not even if ordered to by Jeff Goldblum himself. I want to build a life and a family with you. Your dreams are mine, no matter how silly you might think they are.

We're going to grow old together, and one day we're going to tell our plethora of grandchildren crazy stories from our youth. They probably wouldn't believe half of them, but that just means we've lived our life well. That's what I want to give you -- a full life, with more fond memories than regrets.

I happily take you to be my wife and promise to always look into your eyes just like I do now, with absolute adoration and amazement. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.